Re-Entry

I'm not gonna lie... Re-Entry was ROUGH.

Aaron had a difficult time adjusting to China time, but my body handled it a lot better.  When we returned home, Aaron adjusted easier while Jet Lag.kicked.my.tail.  During our trip, I was shocked how my body was handling everything even though I was SO not used to carrying around a 22 pound sack of potatoes. I now think my body was holding on until we returned back to the US.  The first full day back was not bad.  We drove back home; I unpacked and started some laundry.  I knew the first day back was typically the easiest, so I got as much done as possible.  I'm glad I did because the next day I hit a wall.  

I literally felt like I had hit a wall.

My body was telling me that I was supposed to be sleeping, and I had to fight with my eyes to stay awake.  I couldn't remember anyone's name.  I couldn't remember emails and text messages that I had just read.  All my body was telling me was SLEEP. I fell asleep in the bathtub.  One week home, I still fell asleep on the formal living room floor in the middle of the day.  I think I sat down to pet my sweet Gracie dog, and I fell asleep on her?  Still not sure.  What I do know is that Camden and Caroline did not burn the house down while they were left unattended, so that was a plus.  Although Vivi was sleeping through the night by the second night, I couldn't. For the first week I woke up for the day at 3am, and that was WITH Ambien. I did not sleep past 5am until almost two weeks after we came home.  BRUTAL.

Aaron would have been fine after a few days if he hadn't gotten sick.  I was dying of jet lag.  He was dying of a bad cough...so I don't have to tell you that three kids had the run of the house for a few weeks.

Camden had a rough time while we were gone, but he has transitioned back to normalcy surprisingly well.  He's happy to be back in a 'routine'.  He loves Vivi Cate.  He is patient and very nurturing, and it makes this mama's heart smile.  She likes him a lot too, and she does not see him as a threat unlike big sister (more on that later).

My sweet Caroline is having a tough time with transitioning to being a big sister.  At first, she didn't have a problem with Vivi... until she realized Vivi was fairly high maintenance   I would like to say Vivi started the war, but my strong-willed Caroline is not one to back down from a battle.  Now Caroline wants to be held all of the time.  She does not want Vivi to touch her things, and she most certainly does not want any attention on her.  Vivi's feelings toward Caroline are pretty well mutual.  We are trying to spend one-on-one time with Caroline and makes sure she knows she has not been de-throned... she just as a fellow princess joining her kingdom.  This is hard work.  On Saturday, Caroline and I went on a 'Girlfriend Shopping Trip', and she got to pick out a new pair of shoes.  We also hit up the candy store in the mall, and she could pick out a half pound worth of candy.  She was elated.  She still wants Vivi to go back to China, but at least she can drown her sorrows properly with some Gummi Colas and jelly bellys.

Then there is our Vivi Cate...

And this is when I breath a deep sigh because where do I begin?

She is beautiful, loving, and complicated. I think people assume that although she is 19 months old, she's young enough to acclimate rather easily. This is SO not the case.  It's like I have a newborn who has the survival skills of a traumatized teenager.  Vivi knows how to fight for what she needs, and she is good at it.  This is where her control issues come into play.  She control the attention when she smiles.  She controls the food when she tries to take down Caroline for the granola bar in her hand.  She controls me by screaming to get what she wants.  She controls Aaron by only allowing him to hold her when SHE chooses to do so.  

Control.Control.Control.  The poor sweet thing must be exhausted.

Our main goal now is teaching her that she is safe, and she doesn't need to be in control anymore.

We are working on staying calm when someone tells her 'No'.  Two weeks ago she would have stomped her feet and screamed a blood curdling scream for about 10 minutes unless she got her way.  I compare it to a scream Camden or Caroline would make if they were very hurt or scared.  It's a terrifying sound.  

It's the sound of panic.  

We are trying to teach her that we can love every one of our family members, and this does not mean she won't be loved.  Two weeks ago, anyone could touch me, and she would scream.  I would pet the dog; she would scream.  I would hug Caroline, and Vivi would have a complete meltdown.  Vivi will push the kids away if they come to close to me.  She has pushed herself in between me and Gracie because even a dog is a threat to her.  She will hit, shove, pull hair, etc. if someone else is getting the attention.  CONTROL.

I think the most difficult issue we are dealing with is food.

After visiting the orphanage and observing her behavior, I'm thinking they did not have specific meal times.  I think because there were so many babies, they would feed them randomly throughout the day?

Here is what I do know...

When we came home, and she realized we had this place called a kitchen, and we kept our food there... she would panic if I carried her out of it without food in her hand.  If she saw food on the counter, she would scream until she got something to eat.  If the kids had something in her hand, she would scream and try to tear it away from their hands.  If I got out food to prepare lunch, she would scream until we gave it to her.   Thank you Lord for friends who brought us meals!

I tried to make dinner one night, and she screamed at my feet the entire thirty minutes while I was cooking. That was my one and only time to try cooking.

 Just give her a snack right?  Not that easy.  She will shove the snack in her mouth and then scream until she gets more.  Then she will snack the whole time I made dinner.  Then she would be too full to eat dinner, but she would eat it anyway... and get sick.  She does not understand more food will come later.  She thinks she needs to get it while she can.

Think Food Hoarder and remember that she is only 18 months old.

When she eats a snack she will shove everything in her mouth and go after more food.  She has successfully shoved three orange slices in her tiny mouth (until I dug them out.)  In her mind, she doesn't know the next time she is going to eat.  She doesn't know who is going to try to steal her food.  I know they steal each other's food at the orphanage because I watched it first hand.  The nannies do nothing, and it was heartbreaking.  My sweet Vivi had already taught herself survival skills in her first year of life, and her skills kept her fed.  Her skills kept her loved.  If she smiled and was cute, she was held.  If she screamed when someone else was loved on, she got picked back up.

Even in the baby room at an orphanage, it is survival of the fittest.  and my Vivi was good at it, ya'll.

You saw the orphanage photos.   Homegirl can work a crowd.

What we are teaching her now is that she doesn't have to fight for attention because we will always love her.  She doesn't have to panic when she sees food because she will not go hungry. She doesn't have to be in control anymore because she can trust us to take care of her.  We are experiencing small victories.

 We are seeing her relax at times.
We are seeing her play with her food at times, which we are excited about (oddly enough) because that means she feels safe enough to keep it outside of her mouth.
She is also experimenting with new things. This week she is learning how to give a hug and how to walk on grass.  She loves hugs... but she is not a fan of grass... even with her shoes safely on her feet.  The cool thing?  She will walk on the grass as long as she is holding on to Mama's finger.

One step of trust at a time.  I'll take it.